There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
