dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Green mimosas i think yes
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
