So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
