for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
