I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
