I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
