Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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