So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
