his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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