good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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