her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
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