my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
