I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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