Moan for me like Helen Keller
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
