Sry I called you an 8
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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