My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
