I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
