Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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