I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
