Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
