Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize