Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
