I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
