who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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