My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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