PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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