yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
