I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She has the best kind of daddy issues
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
