i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
