my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
