we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
