he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
