What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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