Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
