she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
