he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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