You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
