i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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