btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
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