this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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