When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
