During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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