i need an iv and a liver transplant
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
