Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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