Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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