Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
