im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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