just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
