she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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