oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
